About

I see therapy as a way of organizing your inner world and the feelings that get stuck there. This is not an easy process, especially because many of us have not been shown how to deal with our emotions, or have never had the experience of emotional attunement to understand its importance. What we learn to do is to cope on our own with distress, which is too heavy of a load for the nervous system. Many of us do not have the experience of a caregiver helping us with our emotions as children. Have you ever had the stressful experience of being told not to cry, that your anger isn't welcome, to shake it off and focus on the task, being yelled at for expressing sadness, or being ignored for "behaving badly"? As children we internalize these messages, even if these words are not explicitly used. Without feeling understood emotionally, we learn to cope in a variety of ways to feel better immediately. We learn to rely on ourselves to feel better in these moments, when we actually need help with our painful feelings, even deserve the help. Without validation, we learn to turn away from others, away from our feelings, or become easily defensive because managing the discomfort alone is too painful. Fast forward many years, and you become an adult who continues to use the same coping strategy - because it has worked in making you feel better. The only problem is in your most important relationship, it gets you in trouble. You are not trying to cause trouble, far from it! But that very coping strategy that helped you feel better as a child, sends a different signal to your partner. What you are trying to do is manage your own distress, but the signals get crossed, and you end up sending a message about them or what the other did wrong. This happens because you do not have healthy experience and practice in understanding and then communicating your emotions. It does not have to be this way. Learning to use your emotional muscle takes practice, and it pays off. Through Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, you can learn to cope relationally, so that in your worst moments, you can have confidence that you will receive help from your love. It's amazing that with love, the weight of your distress does not double when you share it. What you are left with is a sense of relief, feeling understood, and feeling connected. Your nervous system actually thanks you for it.